Posted by: seetruth on: June 29, 2009
Om MY GOD! I just don’t know what to do and I feel like my mind is fighting against me. How am I supposed to do anything right when its like the world and my mind are working against me with such intensity? Its one annoying thing to have ADHD, but to have crippling anxiety on top of that as well as poverty? All my problems are stacking on my back and I can’t take it anymore. Don’t look to deep into this, because Im not suicidal. Im just having a me moment. I just need to get this out to the world and hope that someone hears it and understands because I feel so lost and alone and I need comfort.
The sad thing is my friends are trying, but I can’t give them the whole story and even if I tried, they wouldn’t understand it as well as I need someone to. It sounds like Im just looking for an excuse to shut them out, but its not about that. Basically, i’ve spent my life battling deep depression, anorexia, and problems in school that they have never had to go through and as much as I wish I could help them understand it, I have tried and found that some things just have to be lived to be understood.
Its nothing I like to talk about with anyone outside of a therapist and my BFF aka the Wifey because I don’t want to be treated delicately or looked at as if I’m a victim of anything.
Now that on top of a break up, and my mounting poverty and halted job search, Im facing a possible eviction, looming bed bug infestation (its all over the soon to be condemned building) and a dead laptop, im just not having a good June. Damn and Michael died. God rest his soul (along with Farrah, Billy, etc).
When will it all get better? We shall see my dears, we shall see. Until then in honor of Black Music Month I’ll just sing along with Mr. Robeson:
You an’ me, we sweat an’ strain,
Body all achin’ an’ wracked with pain,
Tote dat barge!
Lif’ dat bale!
Git a little drunk
An’ you land in jail.
Ah gits weary
An’ sick of tryin’
Ah’m tired of livin’
An’ scared of dyin’,
But ol’ man river,
He jus’ keeps rolling’ along.
Posted by: seetruth on: June 28, 2009
The best thing about having a personal blog is that I can write whatever I want without any sort of parameters.
Today I feel like talking about how awkward it is to break up with your best friend and then have them completely ignore/abandon you as if you never existed.
While in the back of my mind i believe theres an easy explanation for this so-called “abandonment,” I still reallize that phone is only one of many ways to get in touch with me. If someone really cared, they would show it. That said, I know im avoiding people (like my best friends and family) out of cowardice, and not malice. Still, I had faith in him. I was hoping that he would be better. Clearly I was wrong, and you know what? Good. At some point I needed a reason to let him go, and now this is my reason. He’s just another name in a long list of failed relationships and lost friendships. One thing I have learned throughout this journey is I am changing. Im not who I was yesterday, and Im happy I walked away.
For the past few weeks I’ve taken it upon myself to emotionally cut myself off from anyone/everyone in his network. However, maybe the best mode if retalliation is to live my life the best way possible – even if I must involve his friends. Sooooo g’bye sir. But I wont make your life easier by making my life harder. Of course I don’t really want to be too close to his friends, just because it seems weird and it would make me insane. No, instead I’ll stay as diplomatic as I am with everyone and somewhere along the way, I’ll find a new crowd.
Its so hard to adjust when all of my friends are closely tied to my foes. Ugh! This will get easier soon, wont it?
At first I was afraid that this was just further proof that I can’t maintain friendships for a long time, but then I realized just because he sucks, doesn’t mean I suck. He’s a selfish bastard. So anything he touches will turn to mud. For myself, Im learning how to connect and how to trust people and keep them around. This weekend was proof of that. So ya know what, Im gonna chalk this up to a stepping stone and imma keep it movin’.
Posted by: seetruth on: June 15, 2009
Wonderboy was such a fun part of my life. He was the Yin to my Yang. We matched on many points, yet it was never meant to be. I knew right from the beginning that it wasn’t right, but when something feels so comfortable, you just don’t want to stop. He was in my life long enough to make me feel loved and appreciated and to give me a sense of belonging. Im glad I had that, and Im sure I’ll find it again soon.
Sadly, I have to let him go – for real this time. If I dont let him go, he’ll never be able to miss me and I’ll never know if he really wants to be with me. That and we both still have a lot of growing up to do on our own. If we’re meant to be, we’ll be. If not, he’ll always be a part of me anyway. Its for the best, now I just need to find a good rebound boy and new job to bide my time.
Meanwhile, my hair is growing back!!! After years of braids, and pulling it straight out of its natural kinky coils, I’ve let it breathe with simple headbands, and I can rejoice!
The moral of the story is, once I stopped trying to make my hair into something it isn’t I found the beauty in just letting it be. Trying to hide it by tying it down tightly, or pulling it back didn’t look very cute, and it broke off plenty of hair along my crown. Accepting that my hair is natural and finding the beauty in it has restored my hair’s strength, elasticity, and fostered growth along my edges. If I approach the boy in this same manner; letting him breathe for a few months, and accepting him as he is, and us as we are, we’ll grow into something strong, healthy, and beautiful.
Posted by: seetruth on: June 9, 2009
Common: The Light
I never knew a luh, luh-luh, a love like this
Gotta be somethin for me to write this
Queen, I ain’t seen you in a minute
Wrote this letter, and finally decide to send it
Signed sealed delivered for us to grow together
Love has no limit, let’s spend it slow forever
I know your heart is weathered by what studs did to you
I ain’t gon’ assault em cause I probably did it too
Because of you, feelings I handle with care
Some niggaz recognize the light but they can’t handle the glare
You know I ain’t the type to walk around with matchin shirts
A relationship is effort I will match your work
I wanna be the one to make you happiest, it hurts you the most
They say the end is near, it’s important that we close..
.. to the most, high
Regardless of what happen on him let’s relyThere are times.. when you’ll need someone..
I will be by your side..
There is a light, that shines,
special for you, and me..Yo, yo, check it
It’s important, we communicate
and tune the fate of this union, to the right pitch
I never call you my bitch or even my boo
There’s so much in a name and so much more in you
Few understand the union of woman and man
And sex and a tingle is where they assume that it land
But that’s fly by night for you and the sky I write
For in these cold Chi night’s moon, you my light
If heaven had a height, you would be that tall
Ghetto to coffee shop, through you I see that all
Let’s stick to understandin and we won’t fall
For better or worse times, I hope to me you call
So I pray everyday more than anything
friends will stay as we begin to lay
this foundation for a family – love ain’t simple
Why can’t it be anything worth having you work at annually
Granted we known each other for some time
It don’t take a whole day to recognize sunshineThere are times.. when you’ll need someone..
I will be by your side, oh darling
There is a light, that shines,
special for you, and me..Yeah.. yo, yo, check it
It’s kinda fresh you listen to more than hip-hop
and I can catch you in the mix from beauty to thrift shop
Plus you ship hop when it’s time to, thinkin you fresh
Suggestin beats I should rhyme to
At times when I’m lost I try to find you
You know to give me space when it’s time to
My heart’s dictionary defines you, it’s love and happiness
Truthfully it’s hard tryin to practice abstinence
The time we committed love it was real good
Had to be for me to arrive and it still feel good
I know the sex ain’t gon’ keep you, but as my equal
it’s how I must treat you
As my reflection in light I’ma lead you
And whatever’s right, I’ma feed you
Digga-da, digga-da, digga-da, digga-digga-da-da
Yo I tell you the rest when I see you, peaceThere are times.. when you’ll need someone..
I will be by your side..
There is a light, that shines,
special for you, and me..(I’ll) take my chances.. before they pass..
.. pass me by, oh darling..
You need to look at the other side..
You’ll agree..
Posted by: seetruth on: May 18, 2009
From April 2005 until May 2009. That’s how long we’ve been together class of 2009. I can’t quite say I made it, but I can say I’ve grown immensely from the love and wisdom of all the students, and faculty. College is so much more than classes, its an experience where you learn how to grow and thrive on your own – as your own person without boundaries.
My first days on the Carnegie Mellon campus were sunny and warm — funny joke pittsburgh! Since then I have truly believed that CMU controls the weather. Why else would the rainy, grey haze miraculously disappear every sleeping bag weekend? Speaking of bagger weekend, that is where my journey began. The first people I met have not only been my friends, rather they became my family. There’s such a deep bond I feel with everyone I’ve struggled and smiled with. I’ll never forget any of the memories of plays in Purnell, Orientation week, after-midnight rendezvous in the library, girl-talk in the hallways and bedrooms after particularly eventful escapades. I love it all, and I feel like today was my ceremony as well. Maybe I wont graduate until next year (I hope) but I feel like im on my next journey and I’m a stronger and more whole individual for coming to CMU.
Every tear – made of sad or happy times, was well earned and cherished. My heart is full of love, knowledge, and the motivation to pursue all of my goals however great their scope.
To you I say, go out and be great! Work hard, but most importantly change lives. After all, we are a school known for innovation, tenacity, and creativity. Own your future, and live it fantastically.
Posted by: seetruth on: May 18, 2009
Today I watched the beautiful students of CMU graduate representing the class of 2009. But im not here to discuss that. Instead, i want to talk about writing music.
Sometimes when everything gets overwhelming I sit back and write. Im not a singer or an artist, but it helps my days go by a bit easier. Who knows, maybe someday I’ll pick up a guitar, sit at a piano, or stretch my voice enough to make something of it.
Until then, find your passion and make it happen. Your legacy isn’t limited to what you have accomplished, rather it is more important to note the amount of lives you have touched.
Stay classy, stay beautiful class of 2009.
Posted by: seetruth on: May 13, 2009
At some point it just hits you:
You’re not the same and you can’t go back. I don’t know what it is, but im different, and I need different things, and different people in my life. What I thought I cared about no longer matters, and what does matter is hidden behind a hazy cloud of smoke.
I used to think I was a gold digger, a skank, a bitch, and a cutthroat capitalist who didn’t care about anything or anyone in my path. In these past few days I’ve realized that I hid behind all of these titles because I was afraid to be whoever I really am, because Im still trying to figure that out. Its hard to stand tall when there’s nothing I feel confident in. The golddigger thing was a way to keep everyone away so that I had no emotional attachments. In fact for the most part, Im great at emotionally detaching from anything that gives me anxiety, because im afraid of doing anything where I have to give up control.
In reality, im after a man with a good heart who only wants money as a means to an end, not as a defining characteristic. My emotional scope is too complex to ever let me be a bitch. Nope, Im an overly-empathetic person who wants the best for everyone unless you hurt someone I love in which case I will want to hurt you. Im strong and I want to make sure I get the best out of life, but I would never hurt anyone else to get it because I hate imagining the pain other people go through.
My pain in feeling so miserable at school clouds my judgment and my actions to the point where its only numbing the pain and keeping my real emotions from coming to the surface. Its one of those things where because I used school to establish my identity and in not having that………..I just dont know who I am. So I look for the people around me and I hope that they can help me find a category to put myself in. But in reality, my friends are all so different from me and they’re so different from everything I thought I stood for and so Im just so much more confused now that I have them.
Its just that, I dont feel like im living reality. Ever. I mean im a different person for everyone I know. For a while I thought maybe I could solve that if I got my boy back, but I realized, even if I had him, I would still be hiding behind HIS identity. He has such a strong personality, and yes its similar to mine, but in a few weeks it would overtake mine. Man this is one of those things I wish they taught us back in high school! How do you stay “true to yourself” when you have no idea who that self is?
On the other side of the coin, I don’t think Jax quite knows who he is. He still has a long way to go in finding what he wants and how to get it. Since we are so very much alike its safe to assume that he doesn’t know how to be alone without disappearing or in a crowd without being over the top. Perhaps we need each other (I honestly believe we do), or perhaps we need to grow on our own. Im not sure yet. All I know is we’re both much younger than I previously realized and we have a lot of growing to do.
Everyday im growing stronger and I guess its about realizing that, and letting people in and trusting my heart — not just my horoscope! So what happens tomorrow? Well I think the important question is what happens today. Today i’ll cut out my storyboard (my story of what I want for myself), then I’ll make some dents in a goal list.
Its intensely scary trying to take a step into the rest of my life, but its the next part of my independent world. So here goes.
Posted by: seetruth on: May 11, 2009
[Talib and Bilal]
Can I talk to you? [x5]
[Talib]
I want you, cuz you make my heart skip the beat that I drum to
I want to be the one you run to, when pain confronts you
You’re everything, sometimes I get nervous when I’m in front you
You can hear it in my voice when I ask you if you comfortable
Look how love do, I’d practice the Art of War for you like Sun Tzu
Come through and arouse you every morning like the sun do
If you blackout and collapse I want to help you to come to
Notice I haven’t yet got into what I want from you
I want you to come to when I come through and make you shine like the sun do
I want you to be the valley for my river to run through
You’re everything, you send your soul through your lips to my heart
Sweet music will start I want you to be the music of my art
When people try to rip us apart we got to work to stay together
Go through the seasons of love and never change with the weather
This is my wish list, what I want not what I need there’s a difference
These days I’m learning that words got power so I’ma be specific[Bilal]
Can I have a talk with you?
Can I make a dream come true?
Can I be in love with you?
Cuz I would if I could[Talib]
Yeah sunflower
You must live in the infinite blackness that exists when I close my eyes
I see you when I fall asleep, I see you when I dream[Bilal]
Lil’ darlin’
Set your soul on fire (lil’ darlin’)
Be your one desire (lil’ darlin’)
Lil’ darlin’
Can I talk to you? (lil’ darlin’)
Lil’ darlin’, lil’ darlin’
Can I talk? (lil’ darlin’)
Can I talk, can I talk, can I?
Lil’ darlin’ (lil’ darlin’)
Can I talk to you? (lil’ darlin’)
Let him talk to you
Set your soul on fire
Congrats to Talib Kweli and DJ Eque!
Posted by: seetruth on: May 11, 2009
My head is swimming!!!!
About Jax. Im still annoyingly into him and im trying to put myself out there but I feel like he’s slipping away. The problem is how do you know when to let go, and when you just aren’t trying hard enough? I honestly believe that if I could tell him everything on my mind, he would stick around, but then theres the chance that he wont…At the very least, I want him to trust me enough to talk to me.
“I want to be the one you run to when pain confronts you.”
The question is how do I convince him to come to me? Im pretty sure its all about putting myself out there repeatedly and claiming the position, not asking for it. The biggest problem I have in relationships is Im timid and I wait for the guys to let me know what is ok and what isn’t. Im afraid that if I do the wrong thing they’ll get pissed and dump me. So I stay shy, avoidant, and wallflower-ish afraid of asking anything from them thereby letting them walk all over me.
Im a big believer that if you want something, you should go after it in spite of what anyone tells you. Whats more, i believe in perseverance and grace. Never beg always stay cool, and confident. And above all, trust your instinct, listen to God and obey. If God says no, its no, but learn how to distinguish a brick wall from a speed bump. If I remain afraid to demand what I want from someone, they wont ever give it. If they don’t want to give it they wont, but if I don’t ask, they wont know what to give.
After 4 years i’ve learned that guys are very fragile and they need to feel you behind them 200% before they are ready to commit to you. I could have had C-rock had I learned how to trust, love, and respect him fully. Although he also should have proved to me that I could do these things.
As far as I go, I just need to learn how to put my pride aside and love fully and openly without hiding behind sarcasm or avoidance. And I need to learn how to claim what I need and want from life – fully and openly.
Posted by: seetruth on: May 6, 2009
Ok Im avoiding everything again…Why do I do that?!?!
I want to blame the ADHD, but I know its deeper than that. Im avoiding my homework, because im afraid that I wont get the grades I want and at least by actively avoiding it I can justify why school isn’t working out for me. In reality, im terrified of rejection and failure so Im throwing all my concentration into everything else including an ambiguous relationship with a non-committal man (whom I am dead certain is interested in me), the broken affair between my best friends, and worrying over family issues which thanks to God, will eventually fix themselves.
In reality I know if the boy is meant to be with me, we’ll get it together. I have a feeling that it can wait another week or so. But I will make it a priority to tell him thank you someway…probably cookies since I have to get rid of the flour and practice my baking. And it will help with the friend going through a break-up. Fine I’ll do that tomorrow, and I’ll focus on me today. As it is i’ve spent the last 2 days agonizing over him as an aimless form of escapism.
Step one, im gonna call the restaurants back for job interviews.
Step two: Call internship sites for summer work.
Step three:Overdue Homework
Step four:call family
Step five: Cook
Clean….
Yep ADDers sometimes we have to bite the bullet and face the annoying tedious tasks that bring on all sorts of anxiety. But I am glad to feel productive again. And im glad this spell barely lasted a week. Woo hoo for progress! Also, woo for learning that when someone commandeers my thoughts, im avoiding myself more than Im in “love” with them.
