I once met a gay man who was drawn to black women. He wasn’t openly gay at this point, but he was coming out – more importantly, he was out to me. His stereotypical generalization about black women is mildly offensive, flattering, and terrifying. Perhaps its because I spent the majority of my life at predominantly white schools, speak proper english with a neutral accent, and actually enjoy country and (some) rock that I feel completely bewildered at the prospect of being associated as a typical black woman. Its not that Im not proud to be black, I just feel very awkward in this skin. How can I not, when my parents shunned bet, and black radio stations, and my dad made disparaging remarks about girls with “sha” names, and “boys in the hood” (litterally meaning males who wear hooded jackets). As dark as I am, I cannot hide my blackness anymore than MJ can hide that he’s crazy. That said, I still find it very difficult to accept all parts of my personality when Im around others.

Earlier today I saw Different Strokes, and it reminded me of a friend of mine who is black yet has a white family. Now this is not an uncommon phenomenon, especially with the rising acceptance of interracial marriage, however it is still intriguing when a black offspring seeks to completely distance himself from whiteness. Ok not completely, I mean Lacrosse, and Dave Matthews Band aren’t exactly known for their black fanbase. Anyway, its so intriguing to see the lengths he goes to distance himself from his white family to create a black identity. Almost as interesting as how I fought to separate myself from any generalized identity by being the epitome of neutrality. If ever anyone cared, I would show them the bands (carefully selected of course) written all over my notebooks – KoRn next to DMX, LFO near Blink 182, Smashing Pumpkins next to Dru Hill, etc because this selection showed my diverse personality and how un-labelable I was as a person. To make things much harder, I had to fit in with the white/other kids because the black girls (5 girls or so) didn’t like me and after a while I was afraid of them teasing me. Essentially, I stayed with the pseudo punks, and generally nice/popularish kids, and far enough from goths, rich kids, and “ghetto kids (actually mostly white/non-black – ok 1 black guy > blame mtv)” and never got really close to anyone.

What was my fear?? Why did it matter so much how people labeled me? Honestly none of it counted for anything, and the groups seemed pretty happy to have each other. Ten years later I feel like im more or less in the same boat, trying to play neutral for people who couldn’t give a damn either way.Why does it matter now? Well, it matters now because who your friends are makes a difference in how people approach you. Everyone knows who Mike T is/was friends with, so no one is gonna say or do anything to get themselves blacklisted by him or hid friends. The same can be said for anyone, and frankly, I guess im afraid of being blacklisted…albeit by people I dont generally associate with anyway. Did you know PDB and his Compatriate are generally on the “do not want” list? Yeah, they’re everywhere but since the end of freshman year, or begining of sophomore year they have been edged out of some circles and I dont know if they know it. Sometimes im glad that people don’t know that we’re associates for this very reason. Yep, everything is high school, but I never answered why any of it matters!

Ok, so why does any of this labeling/ taking a stand business matter? Because in this life, image is everything. Yes its sad, but sometimes I would rather be known for nothing, than known for the wrong things. But I think im going to change that. I was reading Rig’s blog (amazing) and Im tired of being taupe. I have spent way too much time blending in with the walls, and today Im done. After all, how can I find out who I am if all I ever do is live according to the standards other people have set for me?

Now im terrified of what everyone will think of me. I have a lot of accepting friends, but I also have some strictly conservative and judgemental ones and dont want to lose any of them. They say if someone truly loves you, they will accept you for whoever you are. Flaws and all. So today is my brand new day, take me for what I am (or leave me).

*yes I added Beyonce and RENT